riot

This is how your presence in my life has changed the way I live it. Body moving between two cities I’ve never lived in, brain preoccupation: the consideration of relocation. Snotty Britpop sneering through skullcandy, hair windstreaming, I am black tights and red shoes burning down black cancer against a red door. It’s not that these things are so much as that I actually enjoy the state of being that lets me know it’s safe to continue to include you in the five year plan I mock myself for having. Assigning ridiculous practicalities to this improbable reality I’m crafting. Reaching for indie zeen rather than Poppy Z, I’m hesitantly happy.

This series set in motion seems to ultimately end successfully. Said state mainly a matter of opinion and fortunate happenstance-so many things crash down around me so often that I am convinced it’s only by the grace of God I’ve made it this far in one piece. Sustainable belief leaves me undrained, full of relief. So overflowing with hope and glee it’s raining in the darkroom behind my eyes. Tears fall faster than last year; my heart is closer to the skin, barely buried beneath ribs whose surface visible ghosts write on my flesh like thick paper.

Taped together parchment doll, falling apart at the seams to let the contents of my heart pump into cyberspace, swirled away like coffee creamer. Best consumed in small doses, build up your tolerance to the new drug before tripping balls. My best guess leaves eight strokes till winter freezes the peaches on the tree, but there’s still plenty of autumn left to fall through, and I could be wrong. (It happens more than anyone notices, electronic distraction being the perfect medium for satellite miscommunication.) But it’s twice written, and so doubly bound; spring is cold and deadly, darling.

Face Value Sex Hurts Less

Logic:
emotion broken
Last ditch pit stop
glittering cheeks, sleek
tear torn slasher
smile

Face value sex
teeth worked tongue
chewed language
Silent night spent
finished
uneasy dream
lonely morning lead

"It's just the way things are
No, no
You don't push, little girl"

Rag tag tatters
End of a dry cough
Cold light cooling coffee
No photographers in this town
Everything empty
Nothing malleable

"You're lucky
You
can have anything
you want"
Lovely misconception.

This town closes early
Runs on half truths
face value sex
don't push

Your Death.

When winter comes
lashes gather lonely snowflakes
bat against frozen tears
I will miss you terribly
Zombie stumble Philadelphia
I am no optimist
Winter is coming
In eight strokes
My autumn man will fall
As hideous snow.

Breathe.

hey mister sarcastic pants
throat scraping caustic tongue
take disbelief
fucking suspend it
I don't subscribe to all reality
only believable surrealities
all unspeakable things
all cothought
hey mister page turner
palm stroking psalm reader
kiss me
fingers dug in shallow ribs
heart convulsor
pressing electrified skin
I believe in this.

Exponent

Goddamn, you're inspirational.
The way you hate yourself
The way you love me
The way you talk about it
All the pieces of you
The totally terrible
The gut wrench gutter you gutted your dreams in
Trying to be perfect
You impossible thing
Affecting me
Effecting me
Dividing joy into mirror shards
I have glued the shattered dreams to my skin
And, naked,
Now reflect your dreams.

15 minutes with you?

Four sets in two hours, including hair and makeup. Shooting with Vance involves a lot of him asking when I'll move up here and me saying I don't know. Unfortunately, I seem to hurt feelings without ever even trying. Ah well. I did warn you, I'm generally a pain in the ass.

More images to come.

Flesh Pillow

With my head on his chest
His heart beats so strong
I feel it in my jaw
My voice
Is his heart throb
when I say
I love you.

Relating

Poetry junkie dancing with photographic burlesque artist,
shut her snap
slash flashing,
tits exposed
bounce frozen in
cold white light
more judgmental than God.
Side sitting with finger barren,
He's her priest,
she's forking over
leaflets of confessional poetry
cryptic language translated
through technologic cyberspeak.

Alpha Station Alpha

Wandering from love to love, this world is full of lonely people, a field of hungry mouths gaping and blank eyes like canceled checks. Yawning, gasping NEED greed supersede superimposed testament to the path less traveled; the one my boots are walking. I float five inches from the ground, the better to look down my perfect nose at an overfilled datebook although I never seem to go on dates these lonesome days.

I ignore the phone when it rings but I place calls. I think about you, Michael, but I don't call. You wouldn't answer any more than I do. Hard to be less than nothing, easy to be something. Excellence is simplest of all, small in the editing. A tinny voice picks up the other end of a disconnected line. My disjointed voice arranges syllables to the effect that I'll put my body on a blue streak to a sleepy Southern town in a flat week. Irritatedly confused buzz demands to know why I'd DO that. As if going home were the strangest thing this girl could ever dream up...

I doubt my state of mind and forget my state of being. I am unsure of my physical location and do not discuss my home base. I am melting away into unreality. Schism. Back brain on the front burner, this is my life on sobriety. I don't like it very much but it's too early for a drink-one's mother would be mortified to find one being less than polite. You know.

Wistful Afternoon

Face off showdown end
of a life of mine,
regrets spring from mind
fully formed
(though I'm no goddess)
I think of you
And the most painful thought
Is that you don’t think of me.

To all my someone's once
Upon a time now lost:

I wish
I’d been unfaithful
to that lying abuser
when you stripped naked and begged me
to touch you.

I wish I’d been unfaithful
In the face of your possession
And drove my other lovers away.

I wish
I had told you no
when you quit
no
when we left
no
before we started
I was too accommodating,
which may have destroyed you.

I wish
we passed each other
on a street full of people and sunshine
so I could see how time
has blurred your faces.
all you un-dear darlings
who simply complicated everything.