Slip into the...headlight

I hate calling you
my ex.

Dream you're not.
Wake angry
ashamed.

Perpetual Motion and Static Cling

We’re so grown, we don’t break.
Maintain gorgeous not exactly lies, I’ve got
new men in my thighs, you’ve got
new work in your life.
Not exactly unhappy,
there’s so much good in life,
but cigarette pause and
I miss you, miss you.
I miss you often, not always.
Do you notice
when I don’t speak
to you?
I didn’t think so, but I often think wrong.

Sibilant city skies scream suicide
and I’m laughing,
romantic atrocities spill from her pretty mouth
I want to kiss her till we’ve both died.
Crashing burnt babies,
spray love, lust and perfect cheekbones
all over the damn highway.
I love her,
I love her,
I love her,
I am utterly abandoned, completely unreliable
to anyone else.
Following her to the ends of the earth,
I forget myself,
I am my Self.

If you came back, what would I do
with you, with your sad sense of replacement?
There is more to
even my
life than sex, mister.
If you knew me enough to know that,
would you have known that love trumps typecasting?
Seen differently?

Dancing ladies want someone to love them,
even when the shadow’s wiped from cracking eyelids,
the music’s stopped,
colored hot lights yield to cold dawn slapping tired fishnets.
The more people see of you,
the less human you’re seen.
She loves me under fluorescent grocery bars,
she loves me in broad daylight,
she loves me by starlight and sunset and
when we creep out of town at dawn
her eyes shine brighter than headlights.
She is gorgeous without glitter,
passed out and pale in muted afternoon tones,
I love her.

We are consumables consuming,
why were you so afraid of being eaten alive?
There is no thrill like the thrill of slipping
down her throat.
You gave her your cock,
threw your head back on the trial run.
My heart’s in her teeth.
There is more to (even my) life than sex.

Every day is one more time

I want to go to bed till it's all over
I want my fucking trike back.
But there's a monster under the bed
He is every fear ever felt
speaking out loud
Confirming, reaffirming
this is neverending.

Blonde Eyelashes

I am clinging to the idea of May
First anniversary of that first tentative physical exploration.

I can't remember the last time we fucked
I can't remember the last time you kissed me.

Shove it all into my spine
I am homeless.

There is nowhere safe for fear, grief, or anger,
until May.

Slow Constant Burn

My stomach wrenched card castle
is flaming down around us
The phoenix is dying.

There's no space
time
words
Just this endless journey.
Run.

One year of poetry undone
in one heartless sentence
Birth hurts.

I want you
but I can't hold you
Slow constant burn
We're learning to fly.

Tuesday

I am terrified for you from love of you.
frequently casually cruel
sleep late, I stay up till early
weeping with exhaustion and fear.

I wasn't born patient
and I won't be kind tomorrow
I'll relapse
apologize
grasp you with both hands
a blind woman,
searching tangled covers
for a physical band aid to slap my burning eyes.

you're not worthless

Nothing sings:
the dead of winter is not a pretty phrase.
Sleepless exhaustion reigns.

This long line of girls striving
to look younger than they've been for years
drugging themselves
they got to get through
the job
night
minute
man.
All married,
insufficient.
Secrets steeped in alcohol,
children uneducated as lovers.
But spring comes to both sides of asylum.

When I hear a song I like
It's rare I am not the originator.
When I look at your face everything sings.

Passed

Today's forecast,
heavy paranoia
50 percent chance of rain.

Victim counterculture's north star:
excessive poor communication.

I'm nothing glamorous to come home to,
traveling model let down.
stick girl, scar bundles tension burnt
I throw up in the kitchen sink
while you awkwardly make love
and she says No.

she's floored
forcibly silent
you're out
I'm in
she's leaving
bed to drugs to bed
she's silent
I'm on the road

One of these days,
he'll send the strays
back to the pound.
They kill a lot of kittens there.

What is so ugly about me
that I have to rape you both
every fucking time?

I'm A Terrible Beggar.

please touch me
more often

I hate apologizing for my sex drive.

Kitten

you're a kind man
you take in stray cats
nurse us to health
slender sleek, capable
Still cats, wandering.

You need to ask me to sit in your lap
I don't always want to be asking.

Observations

Watching them fuck
emotionally trumps fucking

They smile
And I forget to remember.

I'm not a lot of things

I want to be a rib bone
Pale curved grace
Gleaming
In your eyespace...
but my freckled ass
Will never be perfect.

I love you

Rescue me
I don't need rescuing
I just want to make you feel
better than good

making it up as I go along

dump/reformat
give them space
room to fill me again.

good natured worry and fierce love
they pour into me, and
I cry
terrified
I won't be able to protect them.
things aren't even attacking them
yet.

I love them.
I love them.
I love them, and so I have
more to fear than ever.

I want to fluff my feathers
Keep everything warm
unalone, everything matters more.

I cry when they aren't looking.
I'd like to cry more,
I want that fresh cleaned empty in my pores.

suck it lick it love it

Hello, early morning
I lay me down but ceiling's boring
Empty palmed word beggars
carting cell clutching junkie arms
Canceled eyes unseen, thank God
suck it lick it love it.

I've got nothing but soft skinned silent sleepers
I can breathe in DC pattern stretched to habit, this is
22 with far more than 21 invested.
Awake in your dreamscent, darling,
I tell you I love you and it doesn't mean as much
on tongue as it does eye widening and vein sliding
human contact is most moving.
It's there.
I don't wake up alone,
spend weeks without human skin against me.
dry sponge tissue girl.

The choice to choose isn't a given
Till you give it
To you.
Yes, there will be suffering
Thought art takes more effort than ever.
Cautious optimism runs rampant over
Fear forests, rolling exhaustion.

Bodywash

Your scent's an invasion
like no boy, no body,
has ever done.
Night curls round you,
dreams' scent taunting insomnia, and
I stare at the ceiling,
stare at the back of your skull, and
eventually I pass out. Wake up
alone with hands smelling like
you, gone, down
between bars of flesh and
morning sunlight and
gray rain,
leaving me arched on the couch
knowing that you like to see this
but I'm shy.
Even though I love you, I'm embarrassed of myself.
Why is it so much easier to watch than to show?

Pressing my face into my palm

This, worst written
noncommunicating creation
Unmakes memory
so when I forget
I won't really.

I am terrified elation
Shallow bruised breaths
Change
mind
life
something

I've died,
but it was only a chrysalis.
I'm blood beating through fresh wings
unfurling May morning.

I don't know what the right thing is,
I don't know if I'm doing it.
refusing to focus on terror,
though chiaroscuro blue pulses at the edges of this red core.
I am reduced to noun.
burning eyes staring bleakly at the
(completely normal, mildly dis/content)
world.

I am not the only one, nor am I alone.
But things have come crawling out of my skin
nothing I was aware were there.

They have loved me the longest
have mainly got no idea
where I am
what I'm doing
This is less unusual than my guts think
But not the only way I feel.

Interchange exists.
Blue red neon scream
pushing each other out of the way.
I'm happy.
Incredibly happy.

Blue Paint

Your muse doesn't put three spoonfuls of sugar in her coffee
Or bruise easily
she's never tripped on the stairs
Your muse isn't scared of anything
she doesn't scoop the catbox
Looking through your extra eye
I see her
A thing of beauty
More concept than woman
More cunt than heart

Painting

Deep wounds are hot
Stick fingers in skin
Feel my blood boiling.
Scar lover with your perfect hide
Cut mine
Leave our hearts out of it
for once.

The surround sand where you stand
Sunset bathing
, crimson skin relax synth,
is my wrist flow.

July 30th's Evening, As Seen Through August 13th's Afternoon

"I hate what I do to you"
You said to my death mask.
Lip flick smoke curl
Chaining the habit you hate,

"it isn't killing me yet,"
I replied, maybe lied
unintentionally; can't swear
it was the truth.

Summer heat burned charming astonishment
shock transferred
you have learned to cut me
but you can't find my skin

"I don't ever want to see you again."
Chest seizing quiet state
blood slow round splintering ribs
You are vicious and cruel.

"Why are you shocked?"
Your best bitch voice wasn't lost on me.
sudden bloodless realization
I couldn't recognize the anger wearing your face.